35w 1d

35 weeks, 1 day

It may not seem like such a big deal, but as a mother of a preemie born via emergency c-section, it's been a goal of mine to get past this number.

Today marks this day. Tomorrow I will be past it.

It's nothing I can quite describe to someone who wasn't intimately involved in our life at the time Harper was born. Certainly all our family and close friends know how important this number is, and walked step by step with us through each up and down of the rollercoaster that was the 10 days of her NICU stay and the following weeks of her life.

It's nothing I can expect someone who wasn't around at that time to understand, and I find it difficult to "defend" myself on why this milestone has been so significant to me. I had such different expectations on how my pregnancy was supposed to go. No one ever dreams their body will fail them, and certainly not when your body is responsible for the growth of another life at the same time. I had dreams of going full-term, trying for an all-natural birth, delivering a perfectly healthy baby that I'd get to take home after a day or two. Instead I found myself at an appointment being asked what time I last ate at, because I'd be having a c-section 8 hours after that time. I had no choice, there was no time, there was no going home to grab some things, or hide under the covers, which is what I really wanted to do. We should have still have 5 weeks left. 5 weeks to get a car seat, finish up her room, go on our hospital tour, go to our birthing classes.

The other aspect I find it very strange to "defend" is the fact that when I tell people how much she weighed, they look puzzled as to why I think she was too small or that she was big enough to not be considered a preemie. I most often hear something like "5lbs 2oz is a good weight! My niece (grandson, friend's baby, whatever) weighed less than that and was considered full-term and was without problems." I'm never quite sure how to respond, but to tell them I'm glad things worked out great for them, and thankfully Harper had a short road to getting to the point of being "caught up". But the fact is that it was a rough start. As the doctor put it, she was basically on a diet, not getting fed, for the last week I was pregnant. She wasn't ready to be born yet and needed some assistance getting started. She had the typical life of a NICU baby, taking 2 steps forward, 1 step back, sending her parents on a crazy emotional roller coaster for the 10 days she was there.

Despite all of this, I try not to dwell on the past. We've been immensely blessed with an incredibly healthy 22 month old sweet baby girl. She made significant strides in her first few months, and her Pediatrician considered her to be caught up to other kids her age by 6 months old. Praise the Lord, she's never had any major illnesses nor has she ever had to be put on antibiotics for anything. We try to never take her for granted and thank God each and every day for the enormous blessing she's been to our lives.

As in life, there are so many unknowns in pregnancy. A mother's mind is never without wonder, anxiety, what-ifs, or worry about the life inside her. Having only my previous experience to draw on, I can definitely say I've had my share of sleepless nights and anxious days with this one. And I'm so incredibly thankful for my ever-patient doctor answering all my questions and being so watchful for any warning signs that might indicate a repeat performance. This pregnancy has been such a glorious reminder of God's faithfulness and promises. Yes, I've felt nervous, yes I've felt anxious, yes I've worried. However I've never doubted God's plans for us and for this baby.

In my human nature, I've wanted to plan and have things go "perfectly" and exactly my way. But by faith, I've trusted that God is infinite in wisdom and that no matter what happens, it will be the "perfect" way. Just as I believe that it was God's perfect plan for Harper to be born early. Yes, I questioned it and didn't understand and still wish I could've had it my way. I feel a bit robbed of an experience I was really looking forward to. Yet through that experience, it was discovered that I had a significant amount of endometriosis that I was never aware of, a medical condition that should have made it very difficult to get pregnant. I had withstood years of terrible pain, not realizing it should've been any different. I would most likely still be silently suffering today, and might not be expecting this amazing baby boy if it hadn't have been for the c-section and the opportunity to remove all of the affected tissue.

So for me, today is a day that I've been looking forward to. And tomorrow is a day I've been anxious to see. Tomorrow is not promised, nor is anything guaranteed. But it's one more day I have to be thankful for and to remember God's faithfulness.